Monday, January 16, 2006
I Don't Know HOW To Stay Positive!!!
I don't know what to do. I don't. I am on medications, I am seeing a medical psychologist, I am doing everything I can to try and stay upbeat and it's not working because everything in my life is STILL turning into shit. My life is crumbling before me, worse than ever before and I'm only halfway down, at best, before everything REALLY starts getting bad.
I can't sleep at night. I have a TERRIBLE case of Restless Leg Syndrome. I have been getting maybe 2 hours of sleep at night at BEST. Last night was terrible. It got me out of bed and the symptoms Would Not Stop even while I was awake and moving!!!
And my back is hurting worse and worse. I am exercising more, stretching more, losing weight... and the pain is ramping UPWARDS. I even have a TENS machine (eletrical shocks to my back) which HELPS when it is ON... but it uses 9 volt batteries and they only last so long before you have to recharge them and I only have 2 batteries which take about 14 hours to fully recharge...
And Rudy is getting worse. His heart is in as good of condition as it can be, for his state. His lungs are horrible and we're trying to figure out how to make them work as best they can for their condition. Part of his left sided weakness after his stroke may be also caused by the readiation treatments he had as a teen; it may have burnt his spinal cord high up in his neck where his tumors were.
And he fell last night when I was out of the room (and don't I feel fucking guilty about THAT- I was in the car we have looking for any stray 2 liter soda bottles we might have had so I could get my caffeine fix) and possibly sprained his ankle on the weak side. He's bruised up as all hell from it because he has to use blood thinners.
Every "Light At The End Of The Tunnel" is another freight train. It hasn't stoped for 2 solid years. Just life going BANG, BANG, BANG against us and I am getting mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically weaker every time.
Last night was the first time I could actually see me having a METHOD of suicide. I have the silly 'cut your wrists' graphic on here, but I could actually see myself swallowing all my sleep meds, then all my other meds slowly, taking my time, then lying down in bed. I didn't WANT to see it, but I could SEE it in my head while I was just crying and crying last night. Scared the FUCK out of me.
I am sorry, Jadek, my friend. If you read this. I am trying to get help, but life is killing me faster than I can try and get out of this hell.
Anne
Anne2Snakie's Snake Swallowings Site
The Girl Flesh Forum
My Hopefully Spam Proof Email Address:
anne2snakie AT yahoo DOT com
I think you can figure out how to type that into the TO: line : )
RSS feed: http://anne2snakie.blogspot.com/atom.xml
I can't sleep at night. I have a TERRIBLE case of Restless Leg Syndrome. I have been getting maybe 2 hours of sleep at night at BEST. Last night was terrible. It got me out of bed and the symptoms Would Not Stop even while I was awake and moving!!!
And my back is hurting worse and worse. I am exercising more, stretching more, losing weight... and the pain is ramping UPWARDS. I even have a TENS machine (eletrical shocks to my back) which HELPS when it is ON... but it uses 9 volt batteries and they only last so long before you have to recharge them and I only have 2 batteries which take about 14 hours to fully recharge...
And Rudy is getting worse. His heart is in as good of condition as it can be, for his state. His lungs are horrible and we're trying to figure out how to make them work as best they can for their condition. Part of his left sided weakness after his stroke may be also caused by the readiation treatments he had as a teen; it may have burnt his spinal cord high up in his neck where his tumors were.
And he fell last night when I was out of the room (and don't I feel fucking guilty about THAT- I was in the car we have looking for any stray 2 liter soda bottles we might have had so I could get my caffeine fix) and possibly sprained his ankle on the weak side. He's bruised up as all hell from it because he has to use blood thinners.
Every "Light At The End Of The Tunnel" is another freight train. It hasn't stoped for 2 solid years. Just life going BANG, BANG, BANG against us and I am getting mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically weaker every time.
Last night was the first time I could actually see me having a METHOD of suicide. I have the silly 'cut your wrists' graphic on here, but I could actually see myself swallowing all my sleep meds, then all my other meds slowly, taking my time, then lying down in bed. I didn't WANT to see it, but I could SEE it in my head while I was just crying and crying last night. Scared the FUCK out of me.
I am sorry, Jadek, my friend. If you read this. I am trying to get help, but life is killing me faster than I can try and get out of this hell.
Anne
Anne2Snakie's Snake Swallowings Site
The Girl Flesh Forum
My Hopefully Spam Proof Email Address:
anne2snakie AT yahoo DOT com
I think you can figure out how to type that into the TO: line : )
RSS feed: http://anne2snakie.blogspot.com/atom.xml
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