Saturday, April 01, 2006
What's As Bad As Drinking But Doesn't Hurt Your Liver?
I know that except for maybe 5 or 6 of you out there in InternetLand don't read my blog. It's a Severe Niche blog, and over the last few years it's been a Severely Personal diary blog (when it hasn't just been a Fucking Depressing blog). But that's okay. I love you all anyway.
Anyway, I have been fighting an urge that's been worse than the urge to drink. I still get drinking urges, but very few. As the years have gone by it's been a little easier. Not EASY, but easIER, and I always have to be very careful. But that's fine.
I want to cut myself so bad I can TASTE it. I turned into a cutter around 2000/2001 (cain't amember which) when I needed help when I was having drinking urges. I'd feel the urge to drink, cut myself, urge gone. Of course, then I had to start dealing with the issue that I LIKED cutting myself...
These days it's harder and harder to fight off the urge to rip open one of Rudy's cheap-ass plastic safety razors, take the blades and cut myself. I want to. Oh, I REALLY want to. I know it hurts and I hate pain... but when I cut myself, it doesn't so much hurt as... kinda feel good.
Now, don't tell me to hurry and get to meetings like A.A. and N.A. and stuff. Those suck. Internal docs from their own major docs on the A.A. board reveal that A.A. actually isn't even as good as quitting on your own with no help... the stats for quitting is that people who quit on their own have a 5% chance of remaining sober. Going through A.A., people only have a 2% to 3% chance of remaining sober. Funny that.
So I am dealing with this. I'm probably going to cut myself very very soon. Hopefully not tonite.
Anne
p.s. As you know, most people who quit drinking find it hard if not impossible to STAY "not drinking"*. People who start cutting themselves generally never stop cutting themselves. The fact that I remain sober and uncut after all this time is actually very amazing.
* When people quit other drugs and studies are done as to their "cleanliness", they go to five year stretches to check on people. See how those people are doing. When they do those studies on recovering alcoholics, they only go ONE year to check. Because if they go past that one year, generally all of the people they want to check up on have relapsed and DIED.
Anne2Snakie's Snake Swallowings Site
The Girl Flesh Forum
My Hopefully Spam Proof Email Address:
anne2snakie AT yahoo DOT com
I think you can figure out how to type that into the TO: line : )
RSS feed: http://anne2snakie.blogspot.com/atom.xml
Anyway, I have been fighting an urge that's been worse than the urge to drink. I still get drinking urges, but very few. As the years have gone by it's been a little easier. Not EASY, but easIER, and I always have to be very careful. But that's fine.
I want to cut myself so bad I can TASTE it. I turned into a cutter around 2000/2001 (cain't amember which) when I needed help when I was having drinking urges. I'd feel the urge to drink, cut myself, urge gone. Of course, then I had to start dealing with the issue that I LIKED cutting myself...
These days it's harder and harder to fight off the urge to rip open one of Rudy's cheap-ass plastic safety razors, take the blades and cut myself. I want to. Oh, I REALLY want to. I know it hurts and I hate pain... but when I cut myself, it doesn't so much hurt as... kinda feel good.
Now, don't tell me to hurry and get to meetings like A.A. and N.A. and stuff. Those suck. Internal docs from their own major docs on the A.A. board reveal that A.A. actually isn't even as good as quitting on your own with no help... the stats for quitting is that people who quit on their own have a 5% chance of remaining sober. Going through A.A., people only have a 2% to 3% chance of remaining sober. Funny that.
So I am dealing with this. I'm probably going to cut myself very very soon. Hopefully not tonite.
Anne
p.s. As you know, most people who quit drinking find it hard if not impossible to STAY "not drinking"*. People who start cutting themselves generally never stop cutting themselves. The fact that I remain sober and uncut after all this time is actually very amazing.
* When people quit other drugs and studies are done as to their "cleanliness", they go to five year stretches to check on people. See how those people are doing. When they do those studies on recovering alcoholics, they only go ONE year to check. Because if they go past that one year, generally all of the people they want to check up on have relapsed and DIED.
Anne2Snakie's Snake Swallowings Site
The Girl Flesh Forum
My Hopefully Spam Proof Email Address:
anne2snakie AT yahoo DOT com
I think you can figure out how to type that into the TO: line : )
RSS feed: http://anne2snakie.blogspot.com/atom.xml
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